6.11.2016

the more things change...


It has been well over 3 years since I've visited this place.  I needed somewhere to write a letter to someone and not really give it to him...ya know, just get it all out and move on.  And well, this is the place I have. 

Dear JJ Quik,

Hi. Its been just over a year since we last spoke. Its been just over a year since we last saw one another.  Some days I think about you a lot.  Some days I don't think about you at all.  I think since we just hit the one year away from each other mark - the emotions of it finally being over have hit me.  We were on and off for 9 years.  I guess in the back of my mind I always thought it would be back on one day.  I've accepted that that is not the case.  I want to apologize for anything I did in the last year that was stupid.  I was heartbroken and hurt and the lack of closure the last time we saw each other was very difficult to understand.  I was in the wrong.  However, I hope you realize that you hold just as much blame for the way we have treated each other as I do reacting to said treatment.  Anyways, I don't want this to be negative or a blame game - I just wanted to say I'm sorry for anything I've done to bother you. 

Now, the crap stuff - I miss you.  I miss your smell, I miss your touch, I miss your stupid arrogance/ego, I miss your eyes. I miss the way that you would touch me...hold me.  I miss the passion & chemistry we had. I miss making you think that you had a receding hairline. The one thing I miss the most is you protecting me.  I miss putting you in your place & I miss you calling me on my bs.  I miss thinking about maybe having a family with you & you telling me what a great Mom I would be.  I miss having our coffee together on the couch every Sat & Sun morning while we shared reading the paper. I miss playing catch with you in the front yard.  I miss playing "roof ball" - the dumb game we made up.  I miss talking Cleveland sports with you.  I miss the first time you told me you loved me on a May night in 2008.  I remember the exact moment I fell in love with you.  It was a November, 2007 cold morning & you were getting ready for work...making your coffee and packing your lunch...and I finally climbed out of bed.  I was in the kitchen putting on my shoes to go home and to my job at 6:30a and barely awake...and trying over and over to put them on...not understanding why they wouldn't fit.  Finally, after at least 5 minutes...I looked up at you laughing uncontrollably and I reached into my shoes to pull out the paper towels you put in them so they wouldn't fit.  I know that seems so dumb, but it is the exact moment I loved you. 

I miss the way you would always brush my hair behind my ears wherever we were and whether I was looking at you or paying attention or not.  I noticed it every. single. time.  And I fell in love with you over and over every time you did it.  I miss flirting with you, damn it.  Our sarcastic banter was a high every time we spoke.  I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone and more than I've loved any man since.  And I loved everything about you...I loved you because of the good and I loved you in spite of the bad.  I was fully in love with all of you.  At one point I thought you were the "one."  Our love was real...if not for you, for me. And that's fine if it was just me. Our chemistry was undeniable and our time together will always bring me butterflies.  imu.com ilu.org

I needed to say these things in order to say goodbye and let you go. 

I know you are dating and meeting women...I'm dating and meeting men - and maybe you'll see this one day.  maybe you won't.  maybe you'll care & maybe you won't.  I guess whether you do or don't - what's meant to be will be. xxoo.


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