"holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I stopped blogging a little over a month ago. in fact, I've been doing a lot of soul searching since about July 4th of this year. things happen to all of us.
we lose jobs. we lose love. we lose loved ones. we get lost. we think we are found.
I am constantly trying to improve the way in which I live my life. literally, I feel the need to improve myself daily. if I say bad things about people, if I'm mean to someone, if I find myself falling into the realm of being judgmental or callous. I address why I behave this way. I hit the behavior head on, then I take a step back and make a conscious effort to correct behavior that I find ugly and detrimental to my karma and well-being.
these last few months have led me on a very spiritual path. I've pulled back a bit socially. I haven't shared my thoughts with friends & family. I've become a bit reclusive with my social life, which is VERY unusual for me. this path though, I think required this.
in my heart I am a Lutheran. I believe in the Christian story. however, I am not too fond of organized religion...especially those falling under the Catholic or Christian umbrella in the U.S. I simply find most of them to be hypocritical businesses rather than a place for solitude, humility, humbleness, selflessness and a place to give and help others.
that being said, ever since I traveled to Southeast Asia and more specifically, Thailand & India...I have found myself drawn to the teachings of the Buddha. Buddhism, although classified as a religion by most, is in actuality, a way of life. A guide to live your life peacefully, without ego and based around kindness and love. sounds very hippie-ish, but tell me a negative to living your life centered around these beliefs and I will challenge my stance.
I've been reading book after book based off of the teachings of the Buddha and I simply find peace with it.
I had some setbacks of the heart this year. I've put on a brave face, because I always do. I smile & laugh even if sometimes I find it hard to...I emphasize the word sometimes there. I make jokes about having my heart broken, because it is easier to laugh than cry. I pretend that I don't care about having men repeatedly lie to me, when in actuality I care too much. plainly put, two men have made me unbelievably sad this year. when it comes to love and/or opening myself up to the possibility of love I simply have not been successful. I constantly ask myself "where do I find these jerks?" "why do I only attract assholes?" "will I ever find a man that is honest with me and won't lie to me?"
after everything happened with Hawk, Seonac decided to return to my life. Of course I ended up finding out this week that he has a girlfriend. Granted, I cannot be mad about it. Him and I are not and were not on the path to getting back together. he was not attempting to win me back. however, he was attempting to spend a lot more time with me. he was calling and texting and engaging me in his life again. all the while he had other women in his life. while he did not have a commitment to me, I don't find it respectful or kind to be reaching out to me if there are other (multiple) women in his life too.
I started recounting all of the men that I have had a commitment and/or relationship with in the past. & every single one either were unfaithful, deceitful/dishonest or misleading to me.
literally...every. single. one.
whether it was Seonac with us doing this back and forth for over six years now, my high school boyfriend that lasted 2-3 years of on and off, college flings, FLW for two years, Lido for as long as I can remember or Hawk who was only for a couple of months.
one might say that I attract the wrong men, but over the last few months of my introspective journey I no longer can blame these men. it has to be something that I am doing in order to have every man lie to me. maybe that's the wrong way to word this. I am not blaming myself for the poor actions of these men, but I do need to take responsibility for some of this heartbreak and sadness that I end up with from every man I've given a piece of my heart and trust to.
the crux of the Buddhist teachings is living with the what is. meaning not the unknown outcome or factors from your past, but rather the now, the present. literally moment to moment without any outlying influences on how you love, live and deal with life's circumstances. truly living in the now. I think I've allowed past experiences mold how I expect or steer current situations to go. I allow my wishful outcome to influence my personality with new men I meet. instead of simply being myself, being true to myself and finding a man that is willing to support, grow and help me become a better person each day...the same things that I want to do for any man I am with. instead of seeing that most of the men I have allowed in my life are not good fits for this need I have and letting them go...I have kept them around in the hopes that they will become the man I am looking for. & keeping the wrong men around ...or maybe I shouldn't call them "wrong" in general, but more so I want to be specific that they are just wrong for me. they are right for someone, just not me. and instead of living with the what is and moving on without these men in my life, I keep them in my life and it leads to them being who they are ...dishonest men. but this ends up hurting me not them. this ends up bringing me sadness and does nothing negative for them. do I think all of these men are horrible people in life? no. do I think they are unfaithful and dishonest people in life? unfortunately, yes. however, the pain and hurt they caused me was because I allowed them to live in the what is as themselves and I was more focused on the outcome I was hoping for. if I would've been true to myself, let go of my ego and moved away from these men at the first inclination that I knew I was not living in the what is and I started being untrue to myself, I would have avoided many broken hearts and I also would've prevented these men from falling to their own demons of dishonesty, unfaithfulness, ego, arrogance and heartlessness.
the other thing Buddha teaches to us is that we have control over very little but our own mind. the thoughts we have control the life we lead. Buddha does not hide away from sadness or anger when situations in our lives fan these flames. however, Buddha teaches that we can not hold onto these negative feelings and thoughts. the practice of letting these things go from your mind is one of the main practices in Buddhism. you need to feel these things, you need to have these feelings to live in the what is yet you do not need to let them affect the rest of your what is...
letting go of anger and sadness, sending light and love to those that have hurt you allows you to let go of the feelings and live with love and happiness in your heart instead.
this doesn't mean being a doormat and letting people walk all over you. but quite the opposite. it allows you to realize these people that bring negativity to you far quicker than before. therefore releasing them from your life far earlier than ever before...in turn, allowing less pain to enter your heart. it also means that you must do what you need to do in order to gain closure from past experiences that have harmed you. if this means writing a letter to an ex (sending it or not) or writing a blog post ;) or meditating until you are able to release the pain caused you and sadness you feel...all are acceptable ways to move on in a positive way.
after that long winded post. the bottom line is that I must live my life being true to myself. I must accept people into my life that want to walk the same path as me and let the others go. I must accept that some people are not kind, are not honest and will treat me poorly and break my heart. I must release these people from my life if I made the mistake to let them in. I must send them love and kindness once I escape the sadness they bring me. and finally, I must live my life with love, laughter and kindness for all. I must make each day even .5% better than the day before in both my head and my heart. I must let go of the ego and live with humility and less drama. this is the only way to become not only enlightened but also a good person. the person I want to be and person I strive to be for others but most importantly...myself.
deep post, yo. this is what happens when the Bucks & Browns both have bye weeks...I have too much time to think about real things instead of pointless sports.
God, San Francisco can not get here quickly enough...
ps. today, I am unbelievably peaceful and full of happiness.
pps. If you've ever done a yoga class, you've practiced Buddhism. good stuff, huh?
since I am heading to Seattle for some days, I will not be able to attend any playoff games if we are in the WC or ALDS. however, if we make it farther than those rounds I will definitely be forking over the dollar dollar billz y'all.
because there is no way I will not be in attendance (if possible) for my Tribe making the playoffs.
these guys are just plain fun to watch.
& the next (at least) five years of baseball in Cleveland look pretty damn bright.
even if the Indians don't make it far in the playoffs, they have still exceeded expectation this season.
from the ridiculously fun home opener, complete with pre-game Major League viewing ... to the best games (since the '95 world series) with my Dad ... to games with Ferek, that included playing make a wish with a little tribe fan at her first baseball game ever ... to the final home game of the regular season complete with tickling.
this season was not only special for the boys of summer...they made it magical for all of us fans too.
thanks for the memories, Tribe.
I look forward to watching this team for many, many, many years to come.
now let's close this thing out today so we don't have to worry about what TB or Tex does.
peace, i'm out -- and on my way to the most amazing city that is Seattle.
ps. I become a cuz-aunt this week (if not earlier...Oct. 2nd for sure) and I can't wait to fall in love with the teeny tiny baby boy my cousin/best friend is welcoming with his fiancé. little baby boy Sikut won't know what kind of crazy family he's been born into for a few years, but he will definitely know how much love we have for him ...that is a guarantee.
my cup runneth over...
pps. this is going to be my last post for awhile, if not forever. i'm over blogging and it's time to put this baby to bed. if you read, thanks a bunch. it definitely made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. it's probably better I stop before I go to Seattle again, otherwise all three of you would be subjected to me incessantly talking about how much I want to move there.
on that note...my final thoughts are as follows:
.fuck Ted Cruz and ANY Tea Party member & every pathetic Republican bowing down to the will of these crazy, STUPID and extremely out of touch assholes. It's always amazing to see politicians working for their own self-fulfilling careers at the expense of others. I fucking hate the current R's so much...it is unreal what they are doing to the citizens of this country all for their own political aspirations. go fuck yourself, Ted Cruz. Texas (except for the city of Austin) is such an awful place, that it turned a Canadian into a crazy, rightwing nutjob. Can't we get rid of Texas? Sell it to Mexico or something?
it has been seven years today, since my mom passed away.
it is weird how it feels like it was just yesterday, yet feels like it was forever ago all at the same time.
I cannot believe it has been 2,555 days since I kissed my mom goodbye.
everyday is different. almost everyday I will think of Susie with happiness and joy, but every once in awhile one of those heartbroken days creeps in through the cracks in my heart ...& I'll be filled with the most unbelievable sadness you could imagine.
thankfully, the more I grow and the happier I am with my own life...the better I deal with the grief I unfortunately have to deal with for the rest of my life.
plus, my mom was one of the most joyful and fun women ever...the last thing she would want from her baby was tears. she would want to be celebrated for all that she was and all of the joy that she brought to others. I try to live through her legacy. make others smile, laugh and enjoy the day.
that is what she would have wanted.
in my everyday social life this is how I live through her. I try my hardest to stay positive, optimistic and help others be this way too.
however, privately this seventh year has been difficult for me. for whatever reason or no reason at all, I have felt like I've missed her more and I've been sad about her being gone more.
it is weird, because in every other aspect of my life I have never been happier than I have been the last year. emotionally, professionally, romantically, financially ... I am content. I am constantly improving. I am happy. I am outperforming. I am exceeding my expectations.
maybe that's why when it comes to missing her, feelings have been magnified.
because she isn't here to share in my joy and successes.
I can't explain it. I'll never be able to.
but it has been so.
today is weird.
I love and miss her.
I celebrate her with all that I am and all that I strive to be.
she will forever be the most amazing person in my life.
I would forever give every and anything for just one more hug and kiss.
just one more.
however, I was lucky to have 23 years with her and she was lucky to have an amazing 56 years of celebrated life.
as someone I recently reconnected with told me, when talking about his grandfather's failing health: (I'll paraphrase)... it isn't sad...death...we need to celebrate their lives. it (death) is a part of life and we can't look at it negatively, but rather look at the lives they (our loved ones) were given and be happy about that...and say our goodbyes.
he couldn't be more right or more honest...
it has been 2,190 days (6 years) to the day today, that I met that man.
I love Cleveland. It is home. It is on the rise. It is pretty fucking amazing, if you ask me.
However, I'm young...I'm single...I love to change my life as much as possible. It keeps me centered. There are three U.S. cities I would relocate to in a heartbeat, if I found a worthy job. 1) Chicago, because Chi-town is nothing short of amazing. 2) Boston, because Boston is nothing short of amazing. And 3) Seattle, because Seattle IS amazing. I actually was offered a job there a little over a year ago, but the money wasn't enough for cost of living difference. Anyways, I haven't been back to Seattle in 3 years now (which is crazy for me) & I return to my lovely second home in exactly two weeks, for five days of meeting babies, seeing old friends & partying it up for my oldest friend's wedding. I am somewhere over the rainbow & the emerald city is calling me home.
God, I love the GPNW.
there's no place like (my eventual) home (one day)...
I haven't attended/paid for tickets to attend a Browns game in two seasons now.
Is it because I can't afford it? no.
Is it because I have other plans I can never break on Sundays? negative.
Is it because I am actively boycotting this shitty product until I see SOMETHING, ANYTHING that resembles a tiny, little, itty bitty change moving our team in a positive direction?
and after yesterday, I feel validated.
6pts, you guys.
6 god damned points from our offense/kicker.
I know that this is a "rebuilding" year...AGAIN.
but I don't give a shit.
Norv Turner was supposed to bring us this amazing offensive scheme that didn't involve a 4 yard pass on 3rd and 6.
the only difference in this years team that I never believed was better in the last 14 fucking years, is that I actually believe Weeden can be a great quarterback. I never believed that with Couch, McCoy, Frye, Holcomb, Anderson, Quinn, Garcia, Delhomme and any of the others I've definitely missed on that pathetic list.
I don't understand how other Clevelander's still spend their hard earned money on such a pathetic excuse for a football organization. I'm not doing it anymore.
I know this is a drop in the bucket for the org, but I'm doing it out of principal.
Plus, if I have to watch such shitty play live, I'll end up buying way too many $10 beers to cope with the disappointment in person.
If you are a Browns fan, I suggest you look long and hard at your ticket purchases and rethink monetarily supporting this organization, that continues to be rewarded by the fans, for shoving shit in our face every week from Sept-Dec every year.
then maybe use that money saved to buy some Tribe tix. Ya know, that team that has steadily improved and/or has made positive moves over the last few years...AND is in one hell of a playoff race.
ps. I'm still a fan, because I'm a fucking masochist...just not in attendance.